"Things Need To Change": People Who Lost Their Fathers Call For More Mental Health Support

Content Warning: This post contains discussion of suicide and suicide ideation. Please proceed thoughtfully.

This year Father's Day coincides with Men's Health Week and leading men's mental health charity, Movember, are urging fathers to engage in more open discussions about their health. Recent research from the charity reveals that less than one in three people speak about their health and wellbeing with their father or father figure.

As part of the campaign, PS UK sat down with Beth Jones and Will Castle who both lost their fathers to suicide. Although they are strangers from different sides of the country, their losses have united them on a shared mission to encourage people to talk, challenge mental health policies and change the stigma attached to men's mental health and suicide.

Beth watched her dad struggle with Bipolar Disorder for many years and in 2017 when she was 23-years old, she lost him to suicide. "I knew he was going to die by suicide, "Jones tells PS UK." There was a part of me that hoped he wouldn't but I knew it was going to happen." Before her father passed, she had the chance to share her feelings with him."I told him, 'It's okay if you do it, I don't want your last couple of minutes alive for you to be thinking, "They're gonna hate me, I've messed up."'I wanted him to know that it was okay and I loved him."

She explains that she knew if it was going to happen, it was because he just couldn't go on any longer. "He used to say that to me a lot, that he didn't want to die but he just wanted it all to stop," she says. Her fathers mental health struggles was a very open topic amongst her family. I actually became a confidant for him when I was in my teens. It probably wasn't the best thing but back then there really wasn't a lot of help, so he diverted his concerns to me," she tells PS UK.

Jones grew up in a small village in Wales. Her dad worked at the local colliery for six years until it closed. Then he worked his way up and got a job at the Priory as a Residential Learning Difficulty and Additional Support Needs Manager. "He loved his job, " Jones says. "A lot of people would take their clients to Butlins, but my dad took them to Benidorm. They had to actually fly my mother out there because he got too excited and he dislocated his knee playing football with the locals."

Her dad was the type of man that would give back, even if it meant he went without. "He would give you his last penny if you needed it. He was a typical Welsh Valleys man that would talk to a crack in a cup - you couldn't shut him up! He was all about his friends and his family but unfortunately, he had bipolar disorder and struggled with alcoholism," she explains. Beth was just 11 years old when he father had his first suicide attempt "Over the course of 12 years he had nine attempts, with the ninth being successful," she tells PS UK.

Beth knew her father struggled with mental health issues, in fact it was a very open dynamic with her parents. "I actually became a confidant for my father when I was in my teens," she says. "It probably wasn't the best thing but back then there really wasn't a lot of help so he diverted his concerns to me."

Despite what people might think, Jones has a lot of fond memories from growing up. "I've often had a lot of people say, 'Oh, your childhood must have been really difficult.' Nope, I had a wonderful childhood," Jones admits. "It was very loving and very fun. Unfortunately, my dad was someone that, whilst he was very full of fun and joy and compassion I think he lacked a lot of that for himself."

She explains to PS UK that within her former mining village in Wales, suicide is unfortunately not uncommon, "Within these post-industrial areas there's not a lot of investment or jobs which means there's a lot of poverty. When you look at men and boys and we factor in poverty, lack of jobs and lack of purpose, it really heightens stress levels and anxiety levels — especially in middle aged men who might have families to provide for."

Beth lost her dad in 2017, statistics at the time found 91% of middle-aged men in 2017 who died by suicide were engaged with the mental health system or the medical system. "I think we really need to unpack this narrative that we have around men not talking. It's not that men don't talk — I think that GP's, mental health professionals and wider society don't listen effectively enough," she says.

Beth encourages the country to look deeper than the surface. She highlights the rise of men's suicide prevention charities like Andy's Man Club, and the amount of walk and talk groups that have cropped up as signs that men are talking. "It comes from lack of training; we're not training resilience workers who may be accompanying these men on how to engage when they express problems, which they do." She believes that change needs to happen quickly. "It's no small feat, but it's about basically completely tearing the system down to build it back up again," Jones says.

The year was 2010. On a day like any other, Will had his usual, morning chat with his dad on the way to work in London. That afternoon, he received a panicked phone call from one of his father's colleagues saying no one had been able to reach him. When Will tried to call his father, it rang out and went to voicemail and he started to worry. It was later confirmed that it was his father who had passed away.

"In the police inquest, it came out that not only was I the last person he spoke to, but I was also the last person he called and I missed the call. That's just something I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life," Will tells PS UK. "I don't have any anger towards him — I was pointing more at myself really."

Will's dad had a complex childhood; born in Birmingham in 1956, his biological father deserted him when he was around two years old, and he was later adopted. "He became very successful in the property industry at quite a young age and made a lot of money very, very quickly. Because he came from such a humble upbringing, I think he really enjoyed being in this new world," explains Castle.

Will didn't have any inkling that his father was struggling before that day. "My dad always seemed to be happy, I mean he could get frustrated at times, but he was never someone who would be depressed or down." Castle says his dad was always the life and soul of the party and was the guy who was trying to figure out the next business move, party or social event. "He was so full of life and also such a strong character," he adds.

Castle explains that growing up, his father wasn't an emotional man, and this influenced how he was brought up. "I was never encouraged to cry or show emotions as a young boy," he admits. "If I got upset about anything, he was like, 'Do not cry, you need to be strong. You need to be a man.' So, when I discovered what had happened, it was an enormous shock."

In the aftermath of his Dad's passing, Will suffered immensely with the impact of his father's suicide. "I lost my dad in 2010 and other than people who were very close to me, no one knew what I'd been through until 2020. I did not talk about it for 10 years." At the time, Will believed that people would judge him. "It's quite a shocking thing to hear that someone's died by suicide. Although it is extremely common, suicide is the biggest killer of men under 49 in the UK, it's still quite shocking to hear it." It wasn't until Will started following Movember and went public with his story, that he realised that the stigma is not as bad as he thought.

There are two branches to Will's mission. The first is to make sure that no family has to go through what his family went through because "it tears families apart". So, he wants to see more dedicated suicide bereavement charities in the UK. "When I was struggling, I was shocked by the lack of support and charities there were in 2010. In fact, there still aren't [enough]. There's only three, to my knowledge, in the UK that do it." Secondly, he wants to help remove the stigma from suicide and allow men to be more open and share their feelings. He says: "I also want people who have been through what I've been through to be seen and to be heard as well, and to understand that losing someone to suicide is an extremely unique type of grief."

If Will could give one piece of advice to someone struggling with mental health, it would be to talk to someone you trust. "It's very easy for me to sit here and say that, because in reality, I know it's not that easy. I've been through struggles in my life, even recently, and I've not said anything, " he admits. "I'm supposed to be 'Mr Movember', who does all this public speaking and talks to journalists and I didn't want to reach out for help because I was a bit embarrassed."

He understands first hand how hard it is to do, but encourages men to break the cycle. "It's not easy to reach out. It's a really brave thing for people to do but you just need to push yourself because you're not going to get through it on your own — you just have to take that brave step."

If you need someone to talk to, contact Samaritan's on 116 123

To find how you can help change the face of men's health visit Movember.com for more information.

Aaliyah Harry (she/her) is the associate editor at PS UK. She writes extensively across lifestyle, culture and beauty. Aaliyah also has a deep passion for telling stories and giving voice to the voiceless. Previously, she has contributed to Refinery29, Grazia UK and The Voice Newspaper.