Why I’m Campaigning to Rewrite the Script on Happy Ever After

When I was 27 I broke up with my first "adult" boyfriend. The day before, we had been property viewing in a trendy area of east London both knowing this on/off relationship — which started when we were 18 and different people — was in fact going nowhere, yet still pretending it was for 'forever'. Over the next few weeks when the anxiety and heartache woke me up in the middle of the night, I would tell myself my happily ever after would come, I just had to be patient.

Growing up in the suburbs I didn't have many examples of those who didn't go down the conventional path of falling in love at 20, getting engaged at 25, married at 27 and popping out your first child at 28. It was ingrained in my subconscious that this was the norm and the route my life should take, something which probably kept me in my first relationship longer than it should. Considering the average age for getting married in the UK was 36 at the time, this was founded on absolutely nothing. However it did mean, whether I realised it or not, I considered any alternative route as a sign of failure.

Tasha Bailey is an integrative psychotherapist, author & content creator.

This connotation of failure followed me through my late 20s and into 30s. After a long period of terrible boyfriends, I finally met someone and fell pregnant a year into this new relationship. Straight out of the honeymoon period with no ring on my finger and living in a rented house, the familiar feeling that I had failed at the plan started to creep back in. When the pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage, I told myself I didn't deserve to cry as it wasn't the "right way". Even though we were really happy and I didn't see myself with anyone but my partner. Nine months later it was clear we were on the verge of getting engaged and I found out I was pregnant. Once again I told myself I had failed — I refused to get married whilst pregnant, as it wasn't the perfect happily ever after I told myself I needed. A shotgun marriage was not on my bingo card of perfection. The fact is my partner had asked my Nana for the family ring months before I was pregnant, so the way I viewed the situation technically didn't make sense. But facts weren't important in my pursuit for the fairytale happy ending.

There was a part of me that had decided I didn't deserve to be happy. This was further cemented when our relationship broke down after our second child was born. At home with a one and three-year-old I tortured myself that I had somehow been the reason my life was in tatters. The narrative in my head constantly taunting me that because our relationship hadn't been 'perfect' or followed the 'instagram goals' failure was inevitable. I was so caught up in the perfection trap I hadn't taken the time to look around and appreciate the reality of my situation.

It has taken a lot of therapy and letting go to realise my thoughts weren't the truth. The fact is we are continually bombarded with images of how happily ever after should look, from our instagram feeds full of pics of blissful wedding days and bridal inspiration, to our constant need to fulfil hashtag couple goals. And this aspiration starts early on; from Disney films to even Peppa bloody Pig, we are shown the idea of marriage being the ultimate goal and the conventional family set up being the right way. Sure, Moana was out there doing it on her own but the chances are in the sequel she will probably find a love interest as she grows up (disclaimer: this is based on absolutely nothing).

That's why I believe when we hit bumps in the road these days, we tend to end things rather than consider the alternatives. We judge ourselves and others so harshly, on a scale of perfection that doesn't exist. Take the Beckhams, who have seemingly overcome the ups and downs of life to find themselves appearing happier than ever. Yet, we don't allow them to celebrate this without ensuring we add a dig about their prior struggles. Whenever they post a photo of themselves, people are always quick to remind them of the past, rather than applauding them for showing us the reality of life. There is no money or success in the world that can prevent you from escaping the imperfections of life, heartache or disappointment. There is no magic formula or route for a happily ever after.

I realise now this idea of the perfect happy ending doesn't exist. In the last 10 years I have seen so many people who had the "fairytale" full apart. I have listened to wedding speeches about forever, only for them to break up six months later or spend hours complaining about how much they hate their partner. Yes, my partner and I did break up, but actually once I let go of what should be happening or how another person should be acting we got back together. Which, believe me, has not been easy. Over the last five years we decided to ignore the "right way" and work on our friendship. We turned our pain and heartache into respect and understanding for each other. We realised we are both human and humans make mistakes. The world is not black and white it is all the shades of grey and when you understand that, it trumps any tick box or glossy, smiling photo. We have lived together and we have lived apart, we have faced the judgement head on and we have persisted. We have made magical memories and we have had the worst of times. All of which has taken us on a journey of understanding, love and respect for one another that can only be achieved once you have seen the other person at their worst and decided instead of running away you are going to roll your sleeves up and dig deep.

I don't think this always means sticking with a relationship that's toxic, I believe two happy parents are always better than an unhappy family unit. But it's about letting go of the "shoulds" or the plan we impose on ourselves that could be preventing us from being happy. If this resonates then you're not alone, Psychologist Tasha Bailey explains often we have to work out why we feel that way in the first place. "It's important to try to unpack whether the happy ending we wanted was based on our individual wants and needs, or whether they were societal expectations that were put onto us," she tells PS UK. "Having goals and plans is a great way to keep us motivated and to feel connected to a sense of purpose. However, as we know, life will take us on a journey so it's important to not be fixated on a specific plan or to have perfectionistic ideas of what our life should be like."

I completely understand when you're in the trenches this sounds easier said than done, which is why it's all about accepting that it does hurt. "When our happy ending doesn't play out the way we expected, it's important that we give ourselves the space to process it," Bailey tells PS UK. "We need to give ourselves permission to sit with the feelings that come up. These feelings might be complicated or confusing, as we might find ourselves feeling a cocktail of disappointment, relief, sadness, anger, gratitude. The more we can sit and feel these, the better we can make sense of what happened."

Bailey goes on to explain how happiness and joy can come in many forms. "Too many of us assume attaining goals and assets will bring us happiness," she says. "In reality, it's the journey of growth, feeling more connected to ourselves and safety which brings us the most vibrant moments of joy."

For me, there is nothing about our relationship that says "happily ever after" on paper, yet I often think about just how happy we are. I trust him with my life and I know he feels the same. Our children are happy, understanding and resilient in a way that I don't think we could have ever taught with lessons. My eldest once said to me: "Mummy, my favourite thing about you is that you never give up on anyone or anything." And she's right, I don't. I may walk away or take a breather – just as naps save lives, so does space and rest – and I choose my own happiness over anyone else's, but I won't walk away until I have given it a good go.

And maybe that's the key to happily ever after anyway. It's not about striving for perfection or insisting you always hit milestones or reach set goals. It's finding happiness in what's in front of you, whether that's via conventional routes or your own unique journey.

Lauren Ezekiel is an associate editor at PS UK, where she writes about all things beauty and wellness. With a degree in journalism and 12 years' experience as a beauty editor at a leading Sunday supplement, she is obsessed with skincare, hair and makeup, and is often found offering advice to innocent bystanders. Her work has been published in Grazia, OK, Health and Beauty, The Sun, ASDA, Dare and Metro.